Cable and Satellite TV

To watch television, simple television has become a thing of the past. We need cable or satellite just to get those channels that were previously 'free' before the existence of cable and satellite companies. Now, it's called 'basic' channels and we're paying for it. But wait, if we want 'lots of channels with exciting movies and shows' it's only an additional 40.00 or so a month more, but wait, there's more! If we want 'premium' channels with 'new' movies, well hell, that's just a few dollars more, a few meaning another 30 or 40 dollars. Okay, so what are on all of these wonderful 'premium' channels? Well, those exciting 'new' movies so far have been for the past 2 years now-Miss Congeniality, Legally Blonde, Men in Black, oh did i forget Miss Congeniality? Yep, so after paying all of this money monthly, I get to watch these same three movies about 67 times in one week, week after week, month after month, year after year! But don't despair! There are also on these 'premium' channels approximately 7,932 Paid Programs! That's just weekly! How exciting is that? And to add to these wonderful bonuses, America is going 'digital'! So, let's all run out and buy new television sets (unless we have cable already) so we can watch Miss Congeniality, Legally Blonde, Men in Black and those wonderful Paid Programs in digital form! Hell, i can 'turbo jam' and 'zoomba' and 'hip hop jam' my way to looking anorexic while i enjoy these fabulous 'new' movies! Then, i can shop while i zoomba, for such lovely things that i 'need', like gawdy jewelry, blenders shaped like bullets, or i can even start my own 'home business' hosted by women in wonderbras (i still don't know what they sell), or better yet, i can become a gazillionaire by other people's misfortunes if i go around buying up property that is in foreclosure. To hell with those people losing their homes! I want to be a gazillionaire in one month! And to top all of that off, my arthritis can be miraculously cured for just 99.95 AND i can give myself a 'high colonic' at home while i listen to the hair-dyed host of this show talk in great detail about his and his family's bowel movements! I won't even get into the ridiculous 'reality' shows, that's for another blog in itself. But of course, i'll let you know when they pick me to either be: a top model, an apprentice to a billionaire who should just adopt me and call it a day, or better yet, maybe that has-been 'rocker' dude with the scarf on his head and his hair extensions will 'pick me!' so i can cry like i've known him 30 years, oh no but wait! i want to be a pussycat girl or whatever they are! yes, that's it! Then i can gyrate and sing bad songs while i zoomba and shop by television, cook dinner with a bullet shaped blender for a has-been rock star, then turbo jam my way down a model's runway so i can cry yet again on national television, then, if things don't work out with the rock dude, i can become America's next bachelorette after i divorce rock dude, and i can have my pick of all these supermodel type men, give one of them a rose, get in a public altercation with him, all because the rose still had thorns or some shit like that, and i'll get my picture in some magazine, but the paparazzi will catch me with my pants down giving myself a high colonic while i'm flipping them off and buying a super duper vacuum that sucks up furniture and people as i sit on the toilet watching my cable tv or satellite, and after that i'll go get an instant face-lift so i can look like miss congeniality, and then i'll work for the government and fight aliens single-handedly and become a lawyer wearing pink and schmooz with the President while i hold my tiny little dog who then proceeds to urinate down my brand new pink outfit that i bought from QVC! Damn, are cable and satellite great or what??